What in God’s name has happened to sports radio? I don’t think it was that long ago when men sat around and talked about player’s stats and team’s win/loss records. Commercials were about cars, boats, deodorant and sports stores. We now live in a different time. Sports radio is more like Entertainment Tonight. I have to hear about who is dating whom and who is having a party with a…beer keg at it? Oh my lord, a good looking, rich young man is having a kegger. Stop the presses; we need to talk about this for weeks on end. We need to dissect every possible meaning in regards to this kegger. Did you know that the party goers and the player ( You know who he is. I refuse to even mention him) were doing beer bongs? Who really gives a crap? I hope you don’t. If you happen to think that player’s social lives are really important topics of conversation then you need to put your OK magazine down and go get your balls out of the box by your woman’s bed.

We are men, start being one. Demand that your sports shows talk about sports! I don’t want to hear about movie reviews or listen to your stupid little parody songs. If I want comedy like that I will go rent an old Soupy Sales show on DVD. When did this atrocity occur? When did the owners of these stations start to feel that just talking sports wasn’t enough? Somehow we all needed more out of sports radio. It could be this metro sexual movement that has been creeping into all men’s lives. If that is the case then we the listeners are to blame, but I don’t really buy that. I think most of us are being forced feed this garbage and since we have nowhere else to turn we get stuck listening to it. It is up to the remaining real men that listen to sports radio to stop this before it goes beyond the point of no return. If we don’t then Men’s Vogue Sports Radio is around the corner.

The first thing we need to do is call these stations up and let them know we want to talk about sports. Tell them we don’t care about what player is going on a trip with an actress to Bermuda. The second thing you can do is never buy any of these weird products they are trying to sell us. If you listen closely to what they are telling us you will learn that we don’t have enough hair on our heads, too much on our chest and back, my erections are not stiff enough and my sex drive is far too low for my partner. If these things are true, we don’t want it rubbed in our face. I don’t even know why I need to remove my chest hair. The fact they got me thinking that there is something wrong with my chest hair scares me to death. The way they make it sound, many of us were born wrong and we need to fix that. It is amazing my wife even looks me in the face anymore; I must be some kind of monster.

Of course, after making you feel horrible for the way you are they then guilt you into buying all kinds of weird items for “Mother’s Day” and “Valentine’s Day”. I guess after I get new hair on my head, remove the hair on my chest, and take a pill so I can screw like a 17 year old I need to buy my wife a “special” bear. I know nothing gets my wife in the mood like giving her a “Nurse Bear” or “Chef Bear” for Valentines Day. I’ll tell you what, you can keep all the friggin’ bears and I will give my wife a weekend away with the girls. It may be more expensive, but I know the return will be much better.

They do give you other options if the bear is not for you. If you don’t want to send her a special bear you can send her a Pajama Gram. Yes, that is what all women want, pajamas. Boy, do the marketing guys at these stations have women down to a science. Nothing says love like buying your woman something that will make her look hot for you. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate all the hard work that these marketing guys put into this, plus we get that great discount by just adding the radio personalities name next to the microphone on the home page. Jeez, how can you really complain. It is win-win, isn’t it? Do yourself a favor sports guys when it is time to buy your someone special a gift, don’t listen to some jackass host of a radio show selling you some snake oil for your woman. Why don’t you think about what your wife or girlfriend enjoys doing and get her something that she will actually like.

What have we learned kids? We have learned that it is ok for you to be bald, have hair on your chest or back (obviously it isn’t a big deal for your lady) and not want sex every waking moment. The radio voice will tell you different, but the radio voice is just selling fear and insecurity. We have also learned that the radio voice does not know what is a good gift for your woman. The radio voice is only trying to sell things.

Most importantly we have learned that men like to talk about sports and don’t want to listen to a sports show that is akin to “Donnie and Marie’s” variety show. Call up your stations and tell them you want to talk about sports. They can move their comedy duo to a weekend night slot.